Feminism in society is often portrayed as a bunch of hysterical, nagging women wanting their entitlements. Even women see declared Feminists as a nuisance and attention seeking, good for nothing, trouble makers. Why don’t they just confine themselves to the role that society gave them?: To be a good attendant to men, their needs, and desires. The beautiful system of patriarchy, where men’s needs supersede the needs of others.
What Feminism wants is simply equality, not superiority of women, as misogynists would claim, but equality. And even if we suppose that nominal equality has been achieved in some “Western” countries, namely in the form of voting rights and equal representation (which has been achieved in even fewer countries), equality is lacking in the private sphere. In the home, in the bedroom, on the street, women are still expected to perform their gender roles. Organise the home, take care of the children, provide sex, and give emotional support.
And they often are not seen as fully human if they are not attached to a man. Example: Women can only get rid of the unwanted advances of men if they say they have a boyfriend. It doesn’t matter if they are not interested, because only if some other guy is already fucking her, only then will we back off and recognise his territorial right. By acting like this we dehumanize women, as if they are property. And we men have to take ourselves accountable for upholding this system of patriarchy.
First, as a man, you have to recognise that you most likely have been an offender, a supporter of a patriarchal system. If not actively, you passively allowed women to serve you. Often not even realizing, but when we do notice, we do not act, as receiving service is nice. And this is a hard truth to swallow. We all like to think we are not like that, that we are the paragons of virtue, but I am not. Neither are you, but to that conclusion you have to come to by yourself. We have all, at some point in our lives, promoted patriarchy and transgressed upon women when they didn’t really want it. Pushed her in the roles we perceived appropriate for them. It does not help that patriarchy has surreptitiously taught us this way, made us complicit and then compelled us to bury and deny our shame.
I remember, when I was young, my mother occasionally said she would leave us (3 sons and a husband), because she couldn’t handle it anymore. I took her exuberant amount of house work (on top of her regular job) as just what mothers are supposed to do. A slave to her husband and her children. Her existence tied to ungrateful men, who never recognised her work, except as an occasional cruel joke, when she bitched about it. Portraying a mother as a hysterical woman who does not know how good she has it.
I remember how I preferred a woman to shave her intimate parts, for my own pleasure, because porn said this is what I should like. I shouldn’t like hairy women, so they should change, they should accommodate me, a man, because of my inhibitions. I rejected the most kind and sympathetic woman, just because she wasn’t smooth. Trim, shave, wax. But I, I will remain hairy as evolution made me.
I remember how one time I came home, crying, and seeking my lover’s emotional and physical support. I wanted sex and I softly persisted until she basically gave in. I forced my desires onto another human being even though she didn’t particularly want it. It took me years to realize that that encounter might not be consensual and I still don’t know if it was. We were in a relationship, but that does not mean I had any right to her body. A woman’s body is her’s, always, being in a couple does not change that.
It is hard to realize your own transgressions upon others and even harder to acknowledge them and accept them. They are not unusual, odd things that seldom happen, but a mirror of the society we live in. They are built into the very core of what is patriarchal society. So what can you, a man, do to uphold feminism and make a change?
When a woman asks you if she looks nice in her new clothes, tell her that she does not need a man to approve of her looks. Men never ask how they look, why should she? That does not mean you can’t give people compliments and show them attention, however when they seek your attention and approval, give them more than a casual “you look nice”, give them: I would go out with you even if you wore sweatpants. I like hanging around with you because I find you inspiring and intriguing. Self-Worth should not be tied to one’s look, but one’s kindness and awesomeness.
When a woman does shit you don’t agree with, don’t go all moral on her as if your morality supersedes hers. If she crashes by her “poor” choices, be there, the same as your mother was there for you. And never judge the actions of others based on how they reflect on you. People are not here to make you look good in society. Only your own actions should reflect how you are perceived by others.
When there is enough clothes or dishes to wash, don’t wait for your girlfriend to tell you you should do it, you have to see it for yourself. It is not just a woman’s role to recognise and relegate house chores. And don’t accept praise if you’ve actually done something in your household. You shouldn’t get a cookie everytime you are able to do a basic task. It is interesting how we default back to our mothers when there is something domestically to be done and we don’t know how to do it. Not saying there is something inherently wrong with respecting your mother’s knowledge, however do it out of appreciation for her, not convenience. Intentions matter.
And never presume a woman and her body is there to serve you. If she hints that she does not want to be intimate with you, back off and don’t be frustrated about it. If rejected, don’t persist. If she doesn’t like you, she doesn’t. Can’t do much about it.
By allying ourselves with the Feminist cause, maybe we men can also some day recognise and eventually escape the gender roles prescribed to us by the same patriarchal society.
Side note: I am not well versed in feminist theory and as white man, born in Europe, I have, compared to many, lived quite a privileged life. Even though I have long been supporter of equality, I have started to realise the scale of injustice in our society in my late 20’s, so my knowledge and experiences on the topic are limited. Furthermore this article is primary intended for people who do not know much more about Feminism, but the name for it, so accuracy might be sacrificed for clarity.
