Tag: decisions

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A perfect one night stand (Part 1)

What can be a better conclusion to a day than watching a philosopher’s debate between a man in a suit and the dude? It was like watching an ancient match between Socrates, the happy and chaotic old entertainer, and the sophist-icated prophet of the truth of our time.

“Hi.”, the message arrived on okcupid. It is strange that a woman would write to me first; however it’s a refreshing change. Can’t waste time: “Hi. Are you watching Peterson vs zizek too? Or enjoying Friday night with some alcohol like a normal person?”, — or both like ultimate person! Since her profile was fairly empty, you have to start somewhere and hope it sparks an interest. “Hiya”. Well, I have to google that. It does sound like Hi, but maybe it’s one of those abbreviations that spring up all the time on the internet and are harder to follow than Žižek’s thoughts. Well, it just means Hi. “You sound like bot”, I ponder loudly. Probably she’s just one of the more quirky people, which usually turn out to be the really interesting ones. She: “Have any plans this wknd?” I know what wknd means! “I am free today and Sunday. You?” “I really want to grab some beers!” At this point one is allowed to get excited. I love beer! “Sure. But will take me an hour to get downtown.” (Toronto is quite spread out). “I am down for anything.. I haven’t had drinks in so long”. Woman that wants to get drunk. Why not. “Sure. Let’s grab a beer. Where do u wanna meet?”. Meanwhile Žižek is subtly suggesting one should read more than a 171 year old pamphlet to understand Marx.

“I’m not using this very much now a days. Are you on discord?” Well, her thoughts really jump around. So I suggest: “I don’t have discord. Telegram/whatsapp/signal?” “It’s chating app. I’m on it all the time.. You should download it. It is easier for me to chat hehe.” What? Yeah, I know it’s a chatting app, what else would you suggest? I google it just in case. The anxious feeling of anticipation is slowly taking hold and making me impatient. I might actually have a date. I might meet somebody on the same day! I am going on an adventure, to quote The Hobbit. “Ok I can do that”, I respond and download the app. “please add me. user name is “ bookworm#8105”. i am going to jump off this app now.” Seems to be a chatting app tailored to gamers. Meanwhile on the debate: a breakthrough. To achieve the most happiness you had to be living in Czechoslovakia in the 80s.

“Hello :)”, she restarted the conversation. “Hi. Beer?”, I feel like I am starting to repeat myself. “Hello love.” At least she is original. The only thing I have to hear now is Žižek’s toilet joke that seems to be omnipresent in his speeches. He delivers. “What do you wanna do?”, I persist, “Are you also a gamer?”, I try to expand this conversation that seems to be going nowhere. “so happy you added me ;)” What? “You are talking strange.” In the meantime, as a true Stalinist, Žižek asked Peterson for names. Who are those so called cultural Marxists, the Trotskyists of our day?

“can I be completely up front with you?”, “yes, go ahead.” “I recently split from a relationship.. I am just looking to hookup”, Jackpot. “Ok, I am leaving Toronto in one month, so I can’t offer you more than hook up. Do u wanna meet?” (I was bold in my mind.) “I like it a little rough.. you into this kinda thing?” At this point everything stopped, my mind went full blank and I utter the only answer there can be: “yes”. “What do you wanna do to me?” I took a breather, concentrated and wrote: “The way is shut. It was made by those who are Dead, and the Dead keep it, until the time comes. The way is shut.” (Here is a quote from Tolkien, because what i actually wrote, stays with me.) “Mmm sounds great.” Oh yeah. “So will you tell me where I have to come?” In his final thought Slavoj asks for more thinking.

“im on this dating site rn loking for a potential 3 some.. you ever had one before? 2 girls that is ;P” I had to lie here, to established my higher position in lobster society (here is a Peterson reference, so you don’t say I’m biased towards Žižek). “Once”. “i haven’t yet, but I am so interested.. you wanna help pick the girl?” “Good luck if you manage to do it today:) idk how I can help. Try tinder?” she sends me a link: “http://myp…dNb — here’s an invite. setup profile and add me. k?” Sure I can do that. Seems fairly simple. Looks standard, a fill-in form. Nickname, password, mail… well let me use a secondary mail, you can never be too careful. I also don’t wanna receive a bunch of spam. Click next. Last page, I guess. Enter your credit card data.

Why Canada?

IDK what the fuck I want from my life, with my life, or about the meaning of life. First I believed in God. I even worked for Him. Altarboying, collecting money for the church, you know the regular, born in Christian hinterland village gig. Wasn’t considered underaged working, it was redemption, because You Know Who ate the apple. But then highschool happened and God slowly faded away. The emptiness was slowly filled by God’s biggest enemy, Woman. I bit the apple and my salvation will now come from pure Love (in other words: I decided to put vagina on the pedestal). No surprise almost every woman I met quickly became The Woman which made approaching them impossible, too much at stake. Combine that with my overthinking nature and you have a result that is closer to zero than infinity. One rejection after another, the abysse slowly creeped back in. This unhealthy view of love was finally broken by meeting that crazy woman (she says I am the crazy one — not sure who is right). This encounter demystified love, however the big philosophical question still stands: What do I want with my life?

A few summers ago I was cleaning bungalows (you don’t wanna know how it is to clean the toilet after somebody had diarrhea and “forgot” to use the f-ing toilet brush) in Yellowstone national park. When you are situated in the seemingly endless stretches of pine trees sitting on the edge of a canyon and listening to the roaring waterfalls of Yellowstone river under the stars shining as bright as you ever saw them, you cannot be anything but awe struck. And all this nature is within your grasp to be explored (when you are not cleaning shit). It is nothing short of majestic to roam alone on barely recognisable trails where the sense of time dissipates. You could very well be a 18th century fur trapper. Nothing, but chemtrails on the sky, signal that you are in the information era. It is just you and the unforgiving wilderness. And if you get lost (which of course did happen to me and my friend on the trail with the highest bear presence) there is a good chance you will not return. Those moments of aloness were also moments of happiness and freedom. For me where there are no humans there is no anxiety, and that is relaxing. This summer I got a job in Banff and I am looking forward to what I perceive might be a similar experience. Maybe this is what I want. A simple, anxiety-free life, with a simple job in untarnished nature. In search of freedom.

Freedom is something you cannot quell and she loves her freedom. Me being around all the time visibly started impairing her in a way that began to make our relationship strenuous, and most pleasurable aspects of our life were fading away or were completely gone. I had a hunch that if I went it would free her and she would be able to enjoy life more. She also, as anybody would be, was displeased with me procrastinating day after day. And I didn’t like it either. Not having something to do sucks. Specially when you know that the main reason is your own lack of engagement. So the optimal solution to both problems was to leave.

Is Canada just escaping from my problems? Maybe. Partially. I like to compare my travels to respawning on a different map location after you have been killed in a video game. If you learn from your mistakes and do better second time around restarting your life is positive and even necessary. (until life headshots you again and you rage quit, and go play the Sims).